5 Secrets to Start Loving Yourself

Loving yourself. When you ask someone whether they love themselves, they would most probably say, “Of course!” without much hesitation. I used to think I do too, and it took me a lot of work to be honest with myself and realize that I actually didn’t. There were many parts of myself which I was rejecting- the shy part, the insecure part, the ignorant part...

I have always been putting others before myself, working for happiness of others, and I did not realize what was wrong with it. After all, when you do things to make others happy, you will be happy…right? But the deeper question is, deep down are you really happy? Do you really feel fulfilled? Do you feel congruent with yourself? And the truth is, deep down, I was not happy. 

 

Noble as it sounds, happiness is never just about sacrifice and putting yourself behind others. It is really about being congruent as a person and loving yourself. If you cannot even love yourself, how can you love someone else?

So what is loving yourself really about? It took me a one year to actually figure it out. Since embarking on a quest to attempt to love myself, I have managed to distill the essence of my realizations and came up with 5 secrets people who love themselves do. In my article below, I will share them with you and I hope that it will help begin your quest to love yourself. 

A brief definition of self-love

What is self-love? Self-love is really about being responsible for yourself. To keep all promises you made to yourself and being true to yourself. It is about accepting yourself for who you are- flaws and all. Promising to love yourself, and support yourself no matter what happens. It is to speak your truth. To live by the principles and values you hold dear to. 

Each time, you allow others to step over you, neglect your truth for others, you are doing yourself a huge disfavor. It is important to stand up for yourself. Know what you stand for. Believe in yourself and go all out to achieve what you are meant to achieve in this world.  Loving yourself is the first step to happiness and freedom. 

For me, I finally began to love myself when I accepted all parts of myself, flaws and all, and promised myself that I would always, “stay true to myself, support myself in whatever I want to do, protect myself from naysayers, and go out to achieve what I set out to do.” 

So how do you exactly love yourself?  

1.       If you are happy, laugh. If you are sad, cry.

If you are angry, be angry. Do not hide. Simple as it seems, sometimes we tend to forget to be true to ourselves. Many times out of fear or for approval, we try to hide our true feelings/ put on a mask to be socially accepted. However, this makes us less true to ourselves, and often, we are rejecting a part of us that we do not like. Truth is, no one really cares. You can just be true to yourself, no one can fault you for that. Try it, and you will experience an immense sense of liberation and freedom.

“If you want, then start to laugh 
If you must, then start to cry 
Be yourself don't hide 
Just believe in destiny. 

Don't care what people say 
Just follow your own way 
Don't give up and use the chance 
To return to innocence”
If you must, then start to cry  Be yourself don't hide  Just believe in destiny. 
Don't care what people say  Just follow your own way  Don't give up and use the chance  To return to innocence” 

 – Return to Innocence, Enigma

You know, babies and dogs, they have something alike. They don’t give a shit about what you think about them. Yet you find them so cute and adorable. I remember once I was trying to get my dog’s attention and no matter how I tried to act cute, he ignored me. I observed that even though he can’t be bothered with me, somehow I still wanted to go hug and dote on it. That’s when I realized that I find him so adorable because he was just being himself. He was true to himself, and not just a people pleaser. Imagine, if my doggy were to come and lick me all day to get my attention and please me, I figured it would get irritating at some point. All he had to do was to be himself and that was enough. Babies alike. If they are happy they laugh, if they are sad, they cry, and we find them oh so adorable!

So simply put, be yourself. As someone wisely said, “Those who matter don’t mind, those who mind, don’t matter.”

ACTION

Listen to the song, “Return to Innocence” by Enigma. What is one thing you can promise yourself such that you can be more true to yourself?

2.       Be your own best friend.

At the end of the day, loving yourself is really being your own best friend. It is about cultivating a relationship with yourself. Imagine how you would treat a best friend. Would you criticize her at every error she makes? What would you say to her if she has a dream she would like to pursue? What would you advice her on that guy who is always mean to her?

Realize that you are your own best friend. You are the person who will always be by your side; who has always been there for you through thick and thin, and will continue to do so till the day you die. You are the person who will never leave you. 

So the next time you are about to put yourself down, or sacrifice your own happiness and dreams for someone else, ask yourself. Is this how you would treat a best friend?

ACTION

Imagine yourself as your own best friend, what would you guys be doing? What would you guys be talking about? How would you treat your best friend?

  3.  Listen to your heart.

Listening to your heart is not easy. Your heart is not realistic. Your heart is wild, your heart dares to dream. When we were young, we all had dreams. We dream of travelling to space, becoming a millionaire, saving lives of thousands of people, making a difference to the world. 

But as we grow older, with failures upon failures, rejection upon rejection, we start giving up on that dream. We give up our dreams for comfort and security. We start telling ourselves that probably our heart does not know better. We live in a practical society and we need to be practical.

We start settling for the mediocre. Dreams are meant for the idealist, and we don’t live in the ideal world. We stopped listening to our heart. Time and time again, we tell ourselves, we are happy, we are okay, but deep down in our hearts, we know we are meant for something much greater. Through the years, we start to forget that we even have a dream.

So what is wrong with that? There is nothing wrong, until the point you are old, and you realize you spent your life working for someone else’s dream and you realize you have lived your life with regret. By that time, it would be too late. One of the top regrets of dying people was that they lived a life someone else expected of them and not a life true to themselves.

Listening to your heart takes an immense amount of courage. It is not easy. Practicing an act of courage (read mine!) is a form of self-love as well. Though tough, when you have done it, you will feel good, you will know you did the right thing. 

So what is your long forgotten dream? It’s time to dust thick layers off and revisit it. What is something you can do right now such that you can be one step closer to your dream? Do it. If not now, then when?

ACTION

Re-connect with your heart. Journal down all it is trying to tell you. What can you do about it?

4.       Practice tough-love.

      The concept of self-love can sometimes be misleading. We may think that by succumbing to our likes and dislikes, we are loving ourselves more. We tell ourselves it’s okay to snooze because it makes me feel good. It’s okay to treat myself to junk food it’s a form of rewarding myself. But you know what…No! That is not self-love. Self-love requires discipline. It is about knowing what you want and disciplining yourself to make sure you achieve what you set out to do, and keep to your word.

   

       It is often a question of functionality over preference. For example, if you want to lose weight. Self-love would not be rewarding yourself with desserts, but waking up at 6am to run every morning. Ultimately, self-love is about forcing yourself to surpass your comfort zone such that you will emerge a greater person. 

      You got to support yourself in all ways possible to achieve the goal you set for yourself. It is not easy. That’s why I call it tough-love.

    

      ACTION

      Refer to your dream. What are some action steps you can take that will lead you closer to your dreams? It is not going to be easy but it is going to be worth it. Remember ‘tough-love’ as you go about pursuing your goal.

5.    Give your all in whatever you do.

      Loving yourself also involves giving your all. Doing your best at all times and not giving in to laziness and fear. Going all out for things you believe in. This is extremely important and affects you in more ways than you think, because when we don’t give our 100%, deep down inside, we know it. Remember the dream you gave up on? Deep down you know that if you pursued it till the end, you can succeed.

      

      We do not like this feeling. Therefore we start lying to ourselves. That we are too busy. That we have no time. We come up with 101 excuses for our failure to be the person we are meant to be.

     

      These are counter-efforts that stop us from achieving the success we desire. The scary thing is that if we keep lying to ourselves, we start to believe it and soon, we are defined and enslaved by our lies.

    

      Therefore, it is extremely important to give your all in whatever you do, and take responsibility for what you become instead of telling lies to make yourself better. This is the first step to becoming a more integrated human being.

      ACTION

      To start, you can identify what lies you have been telling yourself. E.g. it could be that you are not good enough. That you are too busy. That you do not have the skills. Next, identify, what are you really refusing to face? E.g. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. The responsibility that comes with it. Working hard. And lastly, ask yourself, what are you willing to take responsibility for? E.g. for my success, for my life, for my well-being. 

      Answering these questions will give you greater clarity on what is stopping you and will give you more power to move forward. 

Afterword

I never said self-love is easy. It’s the toughest journey and an never-ending one,  but it is one that is most rewarding ;)

Building a healthy relationship with yourself is often the first step to happiness and an essential key to building great and awesome relationships with people around you. Once you are congruent ( where what you say and what you think and what you do are the same), you will feel whole and happy as a person, and this is when you naturally attract the same kind of people around you, and attract what you truly desire in your life.

Once upon a time, we loved ourselves. But through our experiences and battering from society, we lose sight of who we really are. It’s time to get to know this person all over again. I hope this article has shed some new perspectives on self-love and kick-start your journey to develop a better relationship with yourself, so that you can experience true freedom.

Start loving yourself. Take care of yourself, emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally. Treat yourself as the most precious person in your world, because if you don’t love yourself, who will? ;))