4 Things You Must Know to Fall in Love and Stay in Love

                     

Through the ages, people have been mystified by the concept of LOVE. Romance is something on everyone’s mind. We all love being in love. The feel-good feeling associated with falling in love is simply amazing. However, when the honeymoon period (around 3-6 months) is over, the concept of romance takes on a different ball game.

We start seeing differences in each other, seeing our partners for who they really are, suddenly things they say are no longer funny and we start to see their flaws. And sadly, sometimes we may not like what we see. What usually happen next would be disagreements, arguments, and each party trying to change the other.

So how to make the relationship work?

Disclaimer: I will be writing from the perspective of a girl, since this is the area I am more familiar with. I guess my suggestions work both ways, but we never know, guys may operate on a different system altogether.

So what happens when you have an argument with your other half? Does it mean he/she is not the one? Does it mean you should give up since he/she does not understand you?

Before making any rash decisions, let us work through this slowly.

First, we have to admit that Love is not Easy. Falling in love is easy but staying in love could be the hardest thing. We know from millions of sad love songs, poems, quotes, and stories written all over the world, on the notion of love. 

How to fall in love and stay in love?

1.       Decision to ‘stick to it’

First and foremost, it is important that both parties agree from the start that they are willing to work through the relationship no matter what happens. This means not threatening breakup every time there is an argument, or fanaticizing about becoming single again when you are in a relationship. The words, ‘divorce’, ‘giving up’ and ‘breakup’ should not exist in your dictionary.

This decision is legally reflected in wedding vows couples make to each other before they become married.

 “I, ____, take you, ____, to be my lawfully wedded(husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.”

Simple as it sounds, this vow captures the essence of how to make the relationship work. It reflects an everlasting commitment to the other party that no matter what happen, you will see it through with him/her. This sort of love is noble love. Taking a decision that each other is THE ONE, maximizes chances of the couple taking the relationship seriously and putting more efforts to make the relationship work.  

  

    2.       Listening out to BOTH facts and emotions

When you have an argument with your partner, it is VERY important to listen out for BOTH emotions and facts. Listen to what they are communicating and what they are not communicating. After all, words are only worth 7% of communication. Sometimes, you may be too engrossed in what your partner is saying that you forget to notice what he/she is not saying- and usually this is the key to crack that argument. 

Words said during that time are more often than not due to anger.  Listen out for the emotions accompanying the words ( i.e. hurt, upset, sadness) and you will understand what your partner is feeling.  This is important as it gives you a clearer idea of how to handle the situation and not just respond to what was being said.

This would help prevent further misunderstandings and allow your partner to feel understood, solving the problem. Most often than not, people are upset because they do not feel understood.

    3.       Sorting out arguments instead of burying them

Make it a point to talk it out. Do not let any arguments go until it has been addressed. It is best to be resolved in the same day because based on my experience, the longer you drag it, the bigger the issue seems. Think about it, if you are going to make up sooner or later, why wait 1 week when you can solve it in 1 day, and save all the mental energy wasted on being angry.

If you decide it is too much of a trouble to address the issue, and you would rather pretend everything is ok, ITS BETTER NOT TO. Not addressing it does not mean it is no longer there. The problem will come back to haunt you some day; because, having a disagreement means that a fundamental problem is already in place. Work on that issue instead and take this chance to understand each other better! Remember, communication is the KEY! To have a successful and happy relationship, it is essential to communicate your thoughts to your partner instead of suppressing them just so that you will have to argue about it! Chances are, in the long term, you will suffer. So why subject yourself to such misery?

     4.       Recognize that to be loved, you have to love

Remember that everyone wants to feel loved. Everyone likes to feel important, to be cared for. Make it a point to show your other half that you care.  Also, it would be good to find out what your partner's love language is. Ref. The 5 Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman’s New York Times bestseller. Talking in their language would make them feel special and very loved! So to improve your relationship, find out what exactly makes them tick and then do it!

Do an assessment here to find out your love language! http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/

Here’s  a short description of the 5 love languages.

·         Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

·         Quality Time 

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

·         Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

·         Acts of Service 

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

·         Physical Touch 

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

Source: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/

Once you make your partner feel loved, the rest will start to fall into place. After all, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care!”

Naturally, they will start to treat you well if you stop pinpointing their flaws and love them for who they are. Remember, there is no PERFECT PERSON, there is only a PERFECT PERSON for you. And how do you know whether you have found the perfect one? This is when you are able to love him/her despite his/her flaws. No one is perfect, it just depends on whether you are able to tolerate that particular imperfection. If you find that imperfection cute, he/she is probably perfect in your eyes (: 

-----

However, if you have taken all the tips into consideration and the relationship is still not working out, there could be something fundamentally wrong. There may be a difference in values in each partner and it would be better to reconsider the relationship as it is unlikely you will remain happy in a relationship where you keep having arguments.

A Word of Caution: Remember that your other half should respect you. Do not tolerate any emotional/verbal/physical abuse. If your partner do not respect you, and make you feel bad, lowers your self-esteem, cause you to doubt yourself, and you think you are better off without him/her, you probably are. Then, forget all the things I said earlier. It’s probably not worth your effort working on a relationship with someone who doesn't care. You deserve someone better! (:

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” 

― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The ONE should bring out the best in you, and make you shine!

A tip: Relationship is not a summation equation where 1+1=2. Rather, it is an equation of multiplication. 1X1=1...2 whole person makes the relationship whole. If it is made up of 2 unwhole person trying to look to each other to complete each other, the equation will look something like that, 0.5 X 0.5= 0.25, and it will not work out. 

Hence, my tip for you is that if you are still single and want to have a good relationship, try to improve yourself and make yourself whole first. Surprisingly, you will attract the same kind of people as you are, so be the person you want to attract into your life! If you are whole and happy with yourself, you are also more likely to attract people who are whole and happy with themselves.

Then you and your partner can grow together.

Don’t give up easily just because of some conflicts!

Conflicts are bound to happen in relationships. How can they not happen when…

“Girls get together with guys hoping they will change, while guys get together with girls hoping they will never change.”  - Unknown

What is most important is learning how to manage the conflicts! 

I hope you learnt something out of the blog post today! (: